We're like a lot better than the average bears
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
