I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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