i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
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