Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
