I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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