can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
