The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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