can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
