i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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