Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
