im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
