never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
