some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
