1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
