We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
