the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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