someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My penis needs a shock collar
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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