who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
