She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
