please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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