From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
