When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
