I'm really into asian looking animals
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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