You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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