I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
