wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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