john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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