i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
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you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
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You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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