So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We're too hungover to prance.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
