if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Your cock deserves a montage
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
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