i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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