Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
