My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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