remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
