what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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