I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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