i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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