That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
