I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
