I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
