Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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