I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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