So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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