The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
