I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
