We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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