I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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