According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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