glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
