I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
