who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
