that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
