i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.