I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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