Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
