I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
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